Ordinary World
by You-Know-Who
Summary: *SPOILERS* Subaru reflects on his life and the death of Seishirou and is briefly interupted by Kamui


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Disclaimers: I own no one from X which is oh so good for my sanity. I blame Duran Duran for this fan fic.

Ordinary World

I don't know I woke up today. I don't know how I even crawled out of bed and looked at my face in the mirror.

I should be relieved. It's finally over. The horrid affair that devoured so much of my life is at a close. I'm free.

I should be free at least. But...the silence cannot be filled by the soft swirls of smoke from my cigarettes or the loneliness that I feel even more keenly with him gone.

The words he whispered to me in those final moments seem to come from nowhere and I find myself looking around my apartment for him. For even his ghost.

I...I had wanted him dead. Hadn't I? I still did. Didn't I?

He had consumed so much of my life and my desire for revenge had drowned the rest of it.

I have nothing left now. Not even memories really. I keep picturing Hokoto and him. The unholy family that we were. 

Now all that's left is me and that damned tree of his mingled with the dying whimpers of my breaking heart.

What would it be like to be ordinary? To have remained a happy little boy who loved too much and was loved too much in kind.

I can't face the world anymore. He had been my world. 

I know Kamui would have comforted me f I had asked but....he has so much pain in store for him. He too should be a happy little boy without such burdens.

Damn this holy war. Whoever came up with this deserves far worse than Seishirou. Was my whole life just one big cosmological joke like Kamui's? 

I feel nothing anymore. I stare at the lights when I turn them on. Stare at the TV as images pass before the screen. I listen to the radio tuning out the words of love songs.

Nothing touches me. No one dares touch me. No one.....loves me... If they do, they die. 

So why don't I die? Why can't I die? 

Too easy. I have cause so much pain. It would be selfish to die now. Not when I can die protecting Kamui. Maybe I can give him a chance to have the life I desperately wanted.

Maybe his Fuuma can be made to feel again the way Seishirou never was able to. 

Perhaps no fault of his own, but I still blame him for it. Damn him for dying. Damn him for leaving me here in this world surrounding by people that have no idea what I've gone through. That walk down streets as though the world isn't rotting all around them As though they aren't rotting with it.

I look at the back of my hands where the pentacles remain. His silent legacy, the only thing I have been left with so far. 

I rest my head against them feeling the heat from the gentle glow of the marks. I'm still prey even now. Even if I survive it will not matter. Around every corner, someone waiting to devour me.

I kiss the marks wishing he was still here. Even now...even if...he didn't mean what he had whispered to me. Even if it's all a lie, I can't bear this world without him. Even if he was the worst thing in it. 

"What do I do?" I say softly to the bare walls of the apartment blinking back tears. 

I hear a noise from behind me and whirl around snarling as I do so.

Kamui. He moves out into the hall clearly terrified of me.

I blink and manage to make my features neutral.

"I....I'm sorry," he says eyes shimmering more with concern now than fear.

I long to shake him and tell him to stop. To stop caring before it's too late. Before he gets sucked dry by the psychic vampires of this miserable world.

"Don't be," I say calmly lighting a cigarette with steady hands which surprises even me. I keep this well-hidden of course.

"Ar-are you all right?" he asks cocking his head in questioning concern.

"Perfectly fine," I reply with a voice lacking in any emotion whatsoever.

"I...." He seems about to argue.

I put a hand up. "I am fine, Kamui. You shouldn't be worrying about me. I need some time alone that's all."

His face falls slightly as though he was hoping to provide me with some sort of solace. 

I falter, hand shaking slightly, before becoming wooden again.

He nods. "I...If you...need..."

I nod unable to bear his presence any longer. Not today. He makes me want to cry, to seek comfort...and....I cannot do that to him. I don't deserve it.

He nods again hesitant to leave wanting to say more, do more for me. I concentrate on smothering the part of me that would let him.

"Good night," I say instead. 

"G-good night," he says before closing the door piercing me once more with his innocent violet eyes as he goes.

I sink to the floor and the cigarette falls from my hands. I watch the embers die and feel like I am doing the same.

The door clicks in the latch and the silence is complete. I cannot even bring myself to cry now and disturb it. 

This is my world. I can make it work....and I can do it alone.

I hear his laughter and cover my ears and close my eyes. I don't what is more painful hearing it still or wishing he would be there when I open my eyes again.


End file.
